The direction in which I grow

Me: Should I renew ‘the blog?’ I ask my husband.
Him: Yes. Definitely. You haven’t been writing in it lately.
Me: I know. But should I bother to renew it? Do you think it matters?
Him: Yes. Do it.
Me: …maybe.

(and so the conversation went for weeks, if not months).

Words For Trade, my blog, which has been tended to in fits and starts for the last two years went silent on November 15th, the only reason I know is because a real live person called me up (I didn’t even know this happened anymore) and said ‘Hey, so your blog went offline because you haven’t renewed it, do you want to?’ and I said ‘Nope. No thanks.’ And then I promptly hung up.
Then I changed my mind. (Typical)

My blog went silent because I didn’t renew it, I didn’t renew it because I haven’t been writing and I haven’t been writing because I don’t know what the purpose of the blog is, because I don’t know what direction I am writing in, or what direction I am living in either.

Two years ago (last week), I sat at my dining room table and said to myself ‘Self- just do it. Just buy a domain name and writing something. It will be fun. Free therapy for everyone!’
I chose Words for Trade and felt exhausted after the transaction went through. Words for Trade. That was fair, I conceded. I certainly would be using words, and I wouldn’t be charging admission to read them. (Lucky you!)

Then, in a flurry of over zealousness I wrote a bunch of mish-mashed entries, about my kids, about motherhood, about how I can’t cook, I even threw some poetry in for good measure, and promptly abandoned the site. Instead of my path becoming clearer, it was as though it were the damp heat of July, everything growing at phenomenal speed, the undergrowth swallowing any direction, the self-induced pressure to have a point or moral to every story was fertilizer to the weeds of anxiety.

Who am I and what am I writing about, are queries that shadow the bigger question; “Am I making enough progress in life [to document], and am I doing a good job of living it?”

Friday night, sitting in Temple Sinai and my Rabbi is telling us about Jacob’s dream from the Torah, (which Marilyn was also scream-whispering into my ear, so the details are a little hazy), but the point of the story was that things take time, not everything happens at once and we often don’t get to see the end of the stories we are living. (That’s a really hard lesson for those of us living in the age of instant gratification.) However, these are the stories of our lives, and it is our job to write on the pages we are afforded, not necessarily to see the book to its end.

So I renewed the blog. (Surprise!)
I don’t have any clearer idea for the path of it, or really, for me, but I do know that there will be some posts about my kids, about motherhood, maybe even some poetry (with bonus curse words!) thrown in, because that’s me, and if at some point I look back and sense ‘Hey, that person looks quite familiar but not exactly the same…’ I guess I’ll know that I am indeed growing, even if I had to hack through some underbrush to see the results.

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One thought on “The direction in which I grow

  1. I definitely am in the camp that believes that you can’t know where the path will lead until you’re already there. Keep on keeping on, mama, and I believe you will end up at dizzying heights with a splendid view. xoxo

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