I’ve done a fair share of writing about 2/3 of my Wildling clan. By now you probably know that Sam is seven, he is empathetic and always comes home dirty, and that Marilyn is four. She has curly blond hair and is a cold hearted killer. She also knows way too many names for genitals.
We added our third Wildling to the tribe in December. His name is Judah. I don’t write about him as much because he doesn’t talk and therefore, I can’t tell you about him sing-songing penispenispenis over and over again in our local Target or how, like Sam, he wants to know why people with brown skin are referred to as black.
But Judah is still a main character in this circus so I wanted you to meet him.
So there you go. That’s Judah.
He was pretty boring for the first few months, assimilating to his life outside of the womb and what-not. But I think he’s getting the idea that in order to survive in this house, you have to be loud, proud and part of the crowd. (Okay, you can stand apart from the crowd, but honestly, what the fuck else rhymes with proud and loud?)
Because there were no amazing conversations this morning about skin color, dead relatives or impromptu dance parties I figured I’d give you instead, a list of things that piss my children off. You’re welcome.
Sam can’t find the socks that he brought downstairs
- Sam finds the socks but only after getting new socks.
- Marilyn is out of chocolate cheerios in the box and must eat chocolate cheerios previously put in The Cereal Container.
- Marilyn wants to watch My Little Pony, but out of the 97 episodes, I put on the one she hates.
- Marilyn wants to watch My Little Pony and I put on a good episode, but today she’s decided she loves the one she previously hated.
- Mac-N-Cheese is for dinner.
- Mac-N-Cheese is not for dinner.
- It’s bath time.
- Bath time takes too long.
- I did not give them enough playtime during bath time.
- Judah wants a bottle.
- Judah wants a nap.
- I put Judah down for a nap and now he is all “it’s play time motherfucker!”
- It’s raining. They have to wear raincoats.
- It’s raining. I forgot their raincoats and they need them or they will melt.
- I give them water. They want milk.
- It’s raining and they want to play outside.
- It’s raining and I tell them they can play outside and they retort “Don’t you love us?”
- The garbage men don’t show up on time
- The mail man doesn’t want Sam to help him deliver mail
- The firemen don’t want Sam to help him put out fires
- The policemen don’t want Sam to help them capture bad guys.
- The president doesn’t return Sam’s letter.
- There are commercials on the television.
- I ask them to put their dirty clothes down the laundry chute
- Marilyn wants to play ponies and Sam wants to play x-box.
- Sam wants to play with Marilyn and Marilyn wants to sit catatonic in front of the tv.
- I ask them to stay in bed past 535am
- I ask them to wear shoes outside
- Judah pooped.
- Judah wants his toy and it’s out of reach.
- Judah has his toy within reach but now it’s annoying him.
- I ask them to not flush toys down the toilet.
- The toilet is stopped up (I wonder why)
- They want to go to the playground. (In a lightning storm)
- I am their mom.
I would write a list of things that make them happy, but unfortunately I just put Judah up for a nap, which means he’s now up and emphatically shouting into his monitor that it’s playtime.